:) :) :)

i've been so so so happy :) brent and i are back together :):):) <3333333

waiting..

i wait.. and wait.. and wait. nothing ever happens.

i hope.. and hope.. and hope. i'm not giving up.

i love.. and love.. and love. ONLY YOU.

you just don't understand..

SN:

it REALLY NEEDS to snow tonight so we don't have school and i can sleep.

i'm so exhausted! :/

jsdhashsd;askx;asd

today was actually pretty good (: i took my biology sol, it was SO hard. oh my god. but i got to see Paige today & i was very happy!! (: i love her so much! she's the best. i seriously vented for like 20 minutes and she's pretty much the only reason i didn't burst out into tears! just today was a very good day (: i chopped off all my hair! :DD

workin' things out isn't always easy..

'I truely think, that you love him, like forreal forreal. But I truely think he doesn't know what to think right now at all. I think you should keep trying since you want him back real bad, and if he comes back, he comes back but if he doesnt you will have to move on, but dont let this shut your heart down. youre a strong girl, you've shown me that, I'm just saying maybe you shouldnt love someone so much if they dont love you the same way. That's the truth.'

i swear on everything, Jonathan has helped me SO SO much in the past few days. i don't know what i would've done without him, forreal.

brent doesn't know what he wants to do anymore.. like i know i've fucked up and said things before and never done them, acted like a bitch, and treated him bad.. but this time just feels different. i'm finally over everything in my past and i wanna be with him.. forever. i just don't wanna try for nothing and i guess i'm finally realizing how he felt. and i've never felt more ashamed or worse than i do right now.. i don't even know what to do. i wanna work things out.. BAD! i'm not giving up..

January 4, 2011.

Hopefully Brent & I will work things out. I really fucked up, forreal. and i miss him, dearly. I'd rather fight with him for the rest of my life than fight with anyone else for one day. <3333

anywho, i'm watching the notebook & i'm bouta bawl my eyes out, hahaha. this movie gets to me every time! i'm fighting it though. it's such a beautiful love story, like if that happened to everyone, the world would be such a happy place <33

like i'd give anything to have a kiss like this.. ahhhhh. i can't even begin to explain my love for this movie :) :)

today was a good day, finally!

i love you.

"Jonathan: You really love him don't you?

Me: yeah i do..

Jonathan: Don't worry, everything will get WAY better, cause love can't help but find the heart. And you found it, so everything will be fine "

and so now i'm crying..

BUT i have such great friends. i swear. i don't know what i'd do without them. i feel like a failure. i can't change what i did.. ughhh. i miss you so much..

"Nothing is easy, It's never gonna come right to you, sometimes you gotta take what's yours"

Jonathan is being so helpful to me right now but i'm not that straight forward and i can't do it. i can't take this anymore.. like honestly i just wish i was never born.. maybe people's lives would be a whole lot easier.. who knows.

emptiness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPOXKQdePIE

^^ i love this song SO much. <333

"If you're going out with someone new
I'm going out with someone too
I won't feel sorry for me, I'm getting drunk
But I'd much rather be somewhere with you

Laughing loud on a carnival ride, yeah
Driving around on a Saturday night
You made fun of me for singing my song
Got a hotel room just to turn you on

You said pick me up at three a.m.
You're fighting with your mom again
And I'd go, I'd go, I'd go somewhere with you

I won't sit outside your house
And wait for the lights to go out
Call up an ex to rescue me, climb in their bed
When I'd much rather sleep somewhere with you

Like we did on the beach last summer
When the rain came down and we took cover
Down in your car, out by the pier
You laid me down, whispered in my ear

I hate my life, hold on to me
Ah, if you ever decide to leave
Then I'll go, I'll go, I'll go

I can go out every night of the week
Can go home with anybody I meet
But it's just a temporary high 'cause when I close my eyes
I'm somewhere with you, somewhere with you

If you see me out on the town
And it looks like I'm burning it down
You won't ask and I won't say
But in my heart I'm always somewhere with you

Laughing loud on a carnival ride, yeah
Driving around on a Saturday night
You made fun of me for singing my song
Got a hotel room just to turn you on

You said pick me up at three a.m.
You're fighting with your mom again
And I'd go, I'd go, I'd go

I can go out every night of the week
Can go home with anybody I meet
But it's just a temporary high 'cause when I close my eyes
I'm somewhere with you, somewhere with you

Somewhere with you
I'm somewhere with you
I'm somewhere with you
Somewhere with you
Somewhere with you"

-Kenny Chesney.

i feel empty all the time now.. i don't really know why. every little thing is getting to me now. i'm over emotional and i hate it. all i wanna do is bawl my eyes out. i like listening to this song cus eventually i'll cry, hahaha. then i'll be okay for a little bit. i don't even know what to do with myself anymore.. i just feel like i screw up all the time and i hate it. ughhh, i need to find a way to fix everything in my life to be happy again.. i just don't know how :/

blahhh.

i felt a little better today. i slept until two. i can't eat that much though :( i went shopping today & i got a bruno mars shirt :)) i'm still waiting on my other 3 though.. boo! but everywhere i went there was some sort of memory & it sucked.. alot :/ i don't even wanna go to school tomorrow. i still feel really sick and i'm starting to shake again a little. ): i got meds but i'm not sure if they'll work, ughhhhh.

January 1, 2011.

wow. what an eventful day & a wonderful way to start the new year. i came home from Samantha's and completely lost it. i broke down crying. not just because of my life right now but because i've had so much pain in my stomach the past couple of days. its not even funny. like its that worst pain i've ever been through. so i called my mom home from work and she takes me to the ER. well everyone thought it was my appendix. i was a wreck. i was like crying every two seconds. i HATE hospitals. even though we aren't or weren't on the best of terms, Brent came and sat with me until i had to go to my CT. it really meant alot and i don't think anyone will ever know how comforting it was for me for him to be there. honestly when he got there i was so calm. no matter what i say or what happens between him & I, he's one of the most amazing people that has ever come into my life. he genuinely cares & has a huge heart and i guess thats what i never realized until now. i will always always always in all ways, love him; very much. but anyways.. it wasn't my appendix. i have a sist on my ovary. lemme tell you, shit hurts like no other! i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. forreal, i have to take two different medications for it ontop of my other medicine. AWESOME! sike. i hate medicine. i can't wait to get better. i tried eating a pretzel & v8 from sheetz. i couldn't finish it :/ ugh. i'm starving and this pain killer i'm on is making me drowsy.. so i think i'm gonna go to sleep. FINALLY. oh, and thanks to everyone who was concerned <33333 i love you all, so so very much.